


Something Different

by SummerInAmsterdam



Series: EtNuary [1]
Category: Escape the Night (Web Series), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Based off a head canon, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Haircuts, Love, Post-Canon, Pregnancy, Tattoos, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:35:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22080031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SummerInAmsterdam/pseuds/SummerInAmsterdam
Summary: Colleen's alive. Things are different, and she's adjusting, but she's alive...EtNuary Day 1: Colleen Ballinger
Relationships: The Disco Dancer | Colleen Ballinger/Erik Stocklin, The Duchess | Colleen Ballinger & The Playboy | Bretman Rock
Series: EtNuary [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1589350
Comments: 10
Kudos: 13





	Something Different

Colleen stopped counting how many times she’d picked up the scissors and put them back down. She couldn’t stop staring at herself in the bathroom mirror. It had been three weeks since she’d gotten back from Purgatory. She still looked the same way that she had over a year-and-a-half ago, but the trauma of everything she’d been through had started to take its toll. Her skin was a little pale, and the bags under her eyes still hadn’t gone away.

She ran her fingers through her long dark hair. She’d had long hair her whole life, all the way up until both of her deaths. She never hated her hair before. Sure, the curls were a little annoying to have to deal with sometimes, but it wasn’t that bad.

Now, all she saw when she looked in the mirror was the girl who hurt her friends twice. She saw a girl who was killed by the people she loved twice. She saw someone who’d quite literally been through hell and back.

And she hated it.

She wanted _something_ different than what she was looking at. She wanted _something_ to change.

“Come on, girl,” she told herself for the millionth time. “Just get it over with…”

She was so used to having long hair. Was she really willing to go through with this?

She picked up the scissors one more time, holding them in one hand, and a lock of her hair in the other. She felt a tugging sensation on her scalp as she held her hair out. Her hands were shaking as she took one last look at the girl she used to be. She glared at her reflection, clutching the scissors and her hair as tightly as she could.

She held her breath and squeezed her eyes shut...

_Snip!_

The tugging sensation on her head was gone. She opened her eyes and stared at the eight-inch lock of hair that she’d just cut off.

“ _Oooh, bitch!_ ” The words flew out of her mouth involuntarily.

Holy shit. That was her hair! That was her _actual hair!_ It was so _short!_  
She dropped her hair to the cold tile floor, and her hand flew to the side of her head. She felt dizzy with… something. Adrenaline? Relief? She didn’t know, and she didn’t care anymore. Any apprehension that she had was gone in an instant.

She slowly grabbed more hair on the opposite side of her head, and snipped the locks off. She did this again, and again, letting the strands fall to the ground. She kept her eyes on the ends of her hair as she slowly made her way around.

When she finally decided she was finished, she noticed how much lighter her head felt. It seemed a bit easier to move her head around without all the weight of her hair holding it down. It felt really bouncy too, and she kind of liked it.

She stared at her reflection. She almost looked like a completely different person without her long hair. Even the shape of her head looked a little different - it was almost rounder.

She lifted her hand and placed it on the surface, touching hands with her reflection. This was _her._ She was looking at Colleen Ballinger. 

Someone knocked on the door. “Colleen, you still in there?” It was Erik.

“Yeah?” she responded.

“Are you okay? Did you fall in or something?”

She hadn’t considered what Erik would think about this. It obviously wasn’t a perfect cut, and maybe she was overthinking it, but what if he didn’t like how it turned out?

“Uh, yeah!” she called. “I’m good!”

“Can I come in?”

“... Sure.”

Might as well get it over with, right? She couldn’t hide in that bathroom forever. Besides, it would be pretty hard to take care of a baby that way.

Oh, right. He still didn’t know about that. God, how was she going to explain all of this to him?

She didn’t have time to think about that before he turned the knob and walked inside.

“Is everything oka-” he started. He stopped in his tracks when he saw her. “Oh, my God…”

She spread out her hands halfheartedly. “Surprise..!”

For a moment, Erik just stood in the doorway. His mouth was half open in surprise.

“Love, your hair…” He was at a loss for words. “It’s so, like…”

“Short?”

“It looks amazing.”

She smiled. God, he was so sweet.

“She’s real choppy, though,” Colleen pointed out.

“Oh, yeah,” Erik instantly agreed with a chuckle. “It’s chopped as all get out.”

She probably could have just made an appointment with someone who actually knew what they were doing, but she lost her patience.

“I just…” she said. “I needed a change. I really hope you understand.”

“Yeah, of course I understand,” he said gently. He walked inside and took her hand. “With everything you’ve been through, that’s totally okay.”

“Heh, yeah…”

Sure. Everything Erik _believed_ she’d been through. He really had no idea what happened to her. He didn’t know she’d traveled back in time to rescue a town. He didn’t know that she was dead for so many months. He didn’t know she was trapped in a museum in Purgatory, or that she was in Hell for an hour or so, or that she’d become a King and slayed the Black Knight, or…

Or that she was pregnant with their son this entire time.

Wow. There was a _lot_ he didn’t know. Colleen wondered if this was how Matt felt with Stephanie.

She’d been strictly instructed to keep everything that happened to her a secret. No one could know that she traveled back to the seventies, or that she was trapped in Purgatory, or that she’d died twice. The world just wasn’t ready for that kind of knowledge - at least, that was what Jael and Ryu had told her.

But this was Erik. This was the man who she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. Ever since she got back, he’d been nothing but loving and supportive of her. Besides, if Matt was able to share everything with Steph after what he’d been through…

“Erik, listen…” Colleen could barely get the words out. “There’s a lot that I need to tell you.”

Erik held her hands in both of his. “You don’t need to tell me if you don’t-”

“No, I do. I mean, I want to tell you. You deserve to know what really happened.”

He knit his eyebrows. “What do you mean, ‘what really happened?’”

She sighed. “You’ll probably think I’m crazy.”

“I won’t. I promise. You can tell me anything.”

Colleen as she pulled him in for a hug. This was one of so many reasons why she loved Erik. He felt so warm, and she could hear his heartbeat as she leaned against his chest. For the first time in what felt like ages, she felt safe.

“Have you ever heard of a place called ‘Everlock?’” she asked.

Colleen’s family wanted her to stay close to home for a little while. She was fine with that. After not seeing them for so long, she was more than happy to spend as much time with them as possible. Between her parents, her siblings, her niece and nephews, and Kory, the past few days had been full of so much love from her family.

And Erik was certainly no exception. Despite how unbelievable the whole thing sounded, Erik listened to every word that Colleen had said to him. When he asked questions, she would answer them to the best of her abilities. When she’d finished, they’d both tearfully held each other for a long time. She’d felt guilty that she’d put Erik through so much worry for so long, but he assured her that he’d be right there for her, no matter what.

And the look on his face when she told him about their son… She wanted to remember that face for the rest of her life.

She recounted most of that to Bretman as they sat together in the back corner of a local cafe. It had been almost a month since they’d gotten back from Purgatory, and Colleen had to admit, she never would have expected Bretman to be friends with her after everything that happened to them. She certainly hadn’t expected him to be the one to contact her first. But over the past month, they’d managed to say what they needed to say to each other. As far as Colleen could tell, they were both cool at the very least.

They _must_ have been cool, considering they were sharing stories with each other like a pair of friends probably would.

Bretman laughed and shook his head. “It’s still so wild to see you with short hair,” he said.

She ran a hand through her hair out of habit. “Isn’t this, like, the most Mom haircut you’ve ever seen?”

“You definitely look like a mom, ma’am. So, how was Bailey’s musical?”

“It was great!” Colleen replied excitedly. “Everyone did such a good job!”

One of the best parts of being back was getting to see everything she’d missed. Colleen had recently gotten to see her niece and nephews in a local production of _Annie,_ and she was so proud of them! She couldn’t wait for the four of them to meet Flynn when he finally came into the world.

Bretmen went silent for a moment.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

Bretman hesitated a bit. “Nikita’s been asking about you.”

Colleen scowled. “Oh. _Has_ she now?”

She hadn’t forgotten either of the times Nikita had killed her. Nikita certainly didn’t hesitate to order the rest of her friends to grab hold of her, throw her into a box of spikes, and turn her into a human Swiss cheese. Oh, and there was that other time where she deliberately knocked her tower down. And then the Minotaur squashed her head like a bug. That was a thing, too.

Colleen had given her quite a mouthful when she saw her again. Nikita might have been her friend for a few hours, but Colleen assured her that she’d be sorry for what she did to her. Somehow. Maybe she’d punch Nikita in the face the next time they saw each other.

Okay, fine. Maybe not punch her. Maybe Colleen would just slap her or something.

Actually, she’d just settle for breaking into her house at night and burning all of her wigs while she slept. That would _really_ strike a nerve!

Bretman sighed. “Colleen, please don’t be mad.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I don’t have a grudge against her for _murdering me two times_ or anything.”

“You don’t know what she’s been through after you-”

“Oh, really, Bretman? _Really?_ She doesn’t know what it’s like to _die_ , okay? And she was responsible for both times! Don’t try and tell me I don’t know what she’s-”

“She had to kill her _best friend,_ Colleen!” Bretman snapped.

Colleen stopped talking. “What?” was all she could manage.

“She had a choice to either kill herself, or kill Manny! You know what she chose, but she still has nightmares about it! If you were in her situation, what would you have done?!”

Colleen didn’t know what to say. She had no idea what happened after the first time she’d died. Nikita really _killed_ Manny? Wasn’t he her best friend? So, it was either that, or shoot _herself?_

Maybe Manny was also responsible for Collen's death, but she’d liked Manny up until everything fell apart. She couldn’t imagine what that must have been like for him. Maybe Nikita, too.

And as for Bretman’s question… what _would_ Colleen have done? What would happen if she were in Nikita’s position? The brave part of her wanted to believe she’d sacrifice herself for her friend, but she already knew what death was like. She’d experienced it twice. Would she have been willing to do that?

Bretman’s face softened up. He looked as guilty as Colleen felt. 

“Sorry,” he muttered. “I probably shouldn’t have brought that up.”

“No, it’s… it’s fine.” Colleen assured him. “We’re both still here. It’s over now. I’m just glad I’ll get to meet my son soon.”

“I bet you are. And I’m glad I get to see Cleo again.”

“Who’s Cleo?”

“My niece.”

Colleen let her face relax, and she smiled again. “Awww, I didn’t know you were an uncle!”

Bretman smirked. “You’re looking at Uncle of the Year, honey.” Colleen laughed, but his face faltered a bit. “She was a big part of the reason I wanted to come home. I wanted to help you guys, but after everything went to shit, I was so focused on seeing her and the rest of my family again. And then with Ro, I just…”

Bretman trailed off, his eyes wandering off into space. Colleen felt her heart sink. Bretman really hadn’t known what he was getting himself into. He was just there to help - and also because there were supposedly cute boys. Bretman made mistakes, sure, but he was just a kid. He wanted to go home. He wanted to see his friends and family again. Colleen knew all too well what that felt like.

“Bretman,” Colleen said. “ It’s not your fault. You didn’t ask to get sucked into all of that. You’re just a kid, you still have a life to live.”

“I’m not a kid, sis,” Bretman told her with a smile. “I’m almost of age, I’ll have you know.”

She tried and failed not to laugh again. “You know what I mean, Bretman. You’re _young._ ”

“Well, thirties is young too, to be fair.”

He probably wasn’t wrong on that front. In fact, technically, _everyone_ who got wrapped up in that mess was young. They wouldn’t have a chance to live the rest of their lives. 

But Colleen was still here. And Bretman was still here, too. The two of them and everyone else who made it in the past still had a chance to live for those who couldn’t. They all had something to stay alive for, whether they saw it or not. That included Colleen.

She had her Something - or she _would_ have her Something soon - and she never wanted to lose him. Never again.

“Can I ask you a favor?” she asked Bretman.

“What’s up?”

“This is gonna sound… whatever, but - hold on.” She bent down and dug around in her purse before pulling out a thin-tipped sharpie. “Would you mind writing something on my wrist for me? I don’t really trust myself to write with my left hand, and my handwriting already sucks as it is.”  
“Yeah, of course.” He reached over and took the pen from her. “What do you want me to write?”

“‘Flynn.’ Like, ‘F-L-Y-N-N.’ And can you make it in, like, a cursive-ish font?”

“Sure.”

Colleen pulled her right sleeve back a bit, and stretched out her arm so Bretman could write on her wrist. She watched as Bretman carefully traced the letters of her future son’s name. He was focusing intently on the letters, as if he wanted them to look as elegant as possible.

“There,” Bretman said when he was finished. “How’s that?”

She looked down at the name and smiled. “It’s perfect. Thanks, Bretman.”

“Anytime.”

She kept that name on there everyday over the course of nine months. She used any inked thing she could find - sharpies, pens, anything. If the name started to fade, she’d trace over it. Sometimes, she asked someone to trace it for her. She just wanted to make sure it didn’t lose its place. It became a routine for her over those months.

She eventually became used to seeing Flynn’s name on her wrist. And then she came to love seeing it whenever she looked down at her right hand.

Colleen knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was the name of her baby. This was the name of the happy little boy that she would have with the love of her life. Flynn was the spark of hope that kept her going throughout that night. She’d promised herself that she’d live to see him, and that she’d survive through that night so he could live, too.

A day or two before Flynn was born unexpectedly, she asked Bretman to write the name one more time. This time, it was on a little slip of paper. She gave it to Erik, and he guarded it with his life.

A few weeks after she finally got to hold him in her arms for the first time, his name was written on her wrist forever.

Colleen sat in her living room on a rainy day around the holidays. Her gaze kept switching between the water rippling down on the windows on her left, and her sleeping husband and son on her right. Erik had been holding Flynn for a bit, and they both ended up dozing off. With the weather being what it was, Colleen couldn’t really blame them.

There, sitting on the couch with the two loves of her life, Colleen had little doubt that this was what Heaven felt like.

She lifted her hand a bit, and her eyes wandered down to her tattoo. She traced her finger over the beautifully inked letters. It still looked exactly the way it had when Bretman had first written it. It _had_ hurt a little bit, like Nikita told her it would. She’d practically dug her nails into Erik’s hand while it was being inked, but she’d already had a baby. Compared to _that,_ getting a tattoo was _much_ easier.

Either way, it was worth it. That name would always be there to remind her that she had something to fight for.

Colleen reached over and gently squeezed Erik’s shoulder, and kissed him on the cheek. She grinned as she saw a small smile make its way onto his face. She then leaned down and kissed Flynn on the forehead. He stirred a little bit, but he didn’t seem to fully wake up.

The drowsy atmosphere finally started to get to her. She felt like she could just fall asleep right there. She rested her head on Erik’s shoulder, staring out the window at the rain as she started to drift off.

Before she drifted off, she remembered an old friend, turned enemy, turned hopefully friend again. She wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him risking so much to save her. She wouldn’t be there if it weren’t for him.

The last time she saw him, he ran off back to the museum. She had no idea where he was now, or what he was doing. Wherever he was, she just hoped he’d be okay. Despite everything, she hoped she'd see him again.

“Thanks, Joey…” she whispered to the window, “miss you…”

**Author's Note:**

> WOO I posted this before midnight where I live so TECHNICALLY I'M ON TIME!!!
> 
> I've had this head canon for a while now, and I'm really happy I finally had the chance to get it out there!
> 
> I'm not 100% sure if I'll be able to commit to this everyday, but I'll definitely do my best! I hope you guys liked this!!  
> Happy New Year everyone!! <3


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